Saturday, May 07, 2005
Arrogant Pommie Cricket Officials Throw Down Guantlet
Arrogant English cricket officials have authorised the printing of fourth and fifth day Test tickets for the upcoming Ashes series, a special Bug investigation has found.
It’s the first time in history that English cricket officialdom has bothered printing such tickets and signals a cocky confidence by the host nation on the back of a narrow series victory against the out-of-sorts South Africa. What’s more, The Bug understands that some sadly misguided English fans have bought them.
Australia historically has English Tests wrapped up by the third afternoon of play. The only major exception was at Old Trafford in the 1950s, when England batted first, made 25, Australia hit a quick 52 without loss, all in boundaries, and then completed an innings win by lunch on the first day before the team went off-shore fishing that afternoon on a charter boat booked months earlier.
Authorities at the two London based Test venues, Lord and The Fosters Oval have often saved money by also holding back on the printing of third day tickets. The MCC Committee at Lords was sacked back in the 1950s for rushing out and printing such tickets after the England side had made an encouraging 121 in a day-and-a-half of rain interrupted play, after being invited to bat first. That match was eventually over in two.
It is understood Cricket Australia officials reacted with laughter this week when told of the English ticketing decision. But they also welcomed the news.
“Psychologically, we’ve been having trouble convincing the Australian Test squad that they’ve got a game on their hands this time round,” a spokesperson said. “They know they don’t, we know they don’t. And we know that they know that we know we don’t. The cocky bastards know that this Pommie side hasn’t got a snowball’s chance in hell of being competitive with us this year and it would be easy for the side to drop its guard a bit and find a game pushed into the fourth day.”
“This ridiculous and provocative step by English cricket just might help motivate them a little bit more.”
“Just the other day I heard a couple of the top-order batsmen claiming that they intend to go through the whole Ashes campaign without using protectors. One is considering not even using a bat.”
“Also I heard a couple of the quicks asking whether it would be within the rules to allow the Poms to face up protecting just the one stump. McGrath said he’d always remember his 500th Test wicket more fondly if he got it knocking over just the one peg.”
The Bug spoke by telephone to the one player expected to be the Aussie’s standout trump card in the upcoming series, spin king and the world’s wicket record holder, Shane Warne.
“Your mother took her teeth out last night and, dead set, she’s just about caved me forehead in”, was Warne’s immediate reaction, when told the news.
“Your sister’s a real goer. I love taking her from behind and watching mi' sweat fall on to her back,” he added.
“Your missus told me last day night it was really nice after all these years to be with someone who actually touches the sides.”
A spokesperson for Warne later phoned to apologise for the statements, saying the champion leg spinner was fielding at slip in a county match when he took our call on his mobile.
Arrogant Pommie Cricket Officials Throw Down Guantlet
Posted by Living with Matilda at 7:05 PM
The Bug:Arrogant English cricket officials have authorised the printing of fourth and fifth day Test tickets for the upcoming Ashes series, a special Bug investigation has found.It’s the first time in history that English cricket officialdom has bothered printing such tickets and signals a cocky confidence by the host nation on the back of a narrow series victory against the out-of-sorts South Africa. What’s more, The Bug understands that some sadly misguided English fans have bought them.
Australia historically has English Tests wrapped up by the third afternoon of play. The only major exception was at Old Trafford in the 1950s, when England batted first, made 25, Australia hit a quick 52 without loss, all in boundaries, and then completed an innings win by lunch on the first day before the team went off-shore fishing that afternoon on a charter boat booked months earlier.
Authorities at the two London based Test venues, Lord and The Fosters Oval have often saved money by also holding back on the printing of third day tickets. The MCC Committee at Lords was sacked back in the 1950s for rushing out and printing such tickets after the England side had made an encouraging 121 in a day-and-a-half of rain interrupted play, after being invited to bat first. That match was eventually over in two.
It is understood Cricket Australia officials reacted with laughter this week when told of the English ticketing decision. But they also welcomed the news.
“Psychologically, we’ve been having trouble convincing the Australian Test squad that they’ve got a game on their hands this time round,” a spokesperson said. “They know they don’t, we know they don’t. And we know that they know that we know we don’t. The cocky bastards know that this Pommie side hasn’t got a snowball’s chance in hell of being competitive with us this year and it would be easy for the side to drop its guard a bit and find a game pushed into the fourth day.”
“This ridiculous and provocative step by English cricket just might help motivate them a little bit more.”
“Just the other day I heard a couple of the top-order batsmen claiming that they intend to go through the whole Ashes campaign without using protectors. One is considering not even using a bat.”
“Also I heard a couple of the quicks asking whether it would be within the rules to allow the Poms to face up protecting just the one stump. McGrath said he’d always remember his 500th Test wicket more fondly if he got it knocking over just the one peg.”
The Bug spoke by telephone to the one player expected to be the Aussie’s standout trump card in the upcoming series, spin king and the world’s wicket record holder, Shane Warne.
“Your mother took her teeth out last night and, dead set, she’s just about caved me forehead in”, was Warne’s immediate reaction, when told the news.
“Your sister’s a real goer. I love taking her from behind and watching mi' sweat fall on to her back,” he added.
“Your missus told me last day night it was really nice after all these years to be with someone who actually touches the sides.”
A spokesperson for Warne later phoned to apologise for the statements, saying the champion leg spinner was fielding at slip in a county match when he took our call on his mobile.
Posted by Living with Matilda at 7:05 PM
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| I am employed by Brisbane City Council. All views expressed in this blog are my own and in no way reflect the views of my employer. |
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