An early relative of
Frodo Baggins?

The discovery of Hobbit like hominoids living in Indonesia as recently as 15,000 years ago is the latest piece of evidence that undermines the voracity of the Bible, claims a team of research theologians.

The group, who call themselves the 'Truth Squad', claim that this find is just part of a growing body of data which suggests the true Holy Scripture of the Christian faith is, in fact, J R R Tolkien’s 'The Lord of the Rings'.

"It is well known that Tolkien cribbed much of the narrative from earlier stories and ancient texts," said Steve Jackson, the Pastor leading the team.

"For a long time we have been documenting inaccuracies in the Bible, particularly in the Old Testament," continued Jackson. "It is now broadly accepted – outside America anyway – that the Earth was not actually created in seven days, just 6,000 years ago."

"I mean, it’s just ridiculous – look at the size on the planet – one Supreme Being couldn’t do all that in a week. I can’t even get a builder to finish my extension, this month!" said Jackson.

"We have been looking closely at the discrepancies between geological explanations and creationist theory and I am beginning to think that Christianity, as a faith, has been getting it wrong.... for quite a while."

"And trumpets bringing down the Walls of Jericho? I don’t think so. We recently completed several experiments trying to bring down the walls of the Acropolis in Athens with some heavy duty Drum N’ Bass. But we had to give up after three days as the authorities chased away with guard dogs," said Jackson.

However, it was not until last week’s discovery of a waist-high hominoid (LB1) on the island of Flores, who may have controlled fire and developed stone and bone tools, did the real truth begin to dawn on Truth Squad.

"Most of us had read Tolkien’s classic novel," said Jackson, "and had been impressed by its apparent overlaps with the archaeological and anthropological record. LB1 just nailed it for us."

"And ‘The Lord of the Rings’ is no metaphor either; something that the revisionist Christians - when faced with the glaringly obvious errors in the Bible - have been hiding behind," said Jackson.

"We have now found actual evidence of the existence of Hobbits. Orcs and Goblins have long been know to have lived in Europe, to approximately 150,000 years ago, when the stories of the Tolkien classics are now said to have taken place."

The team has also put a fine tooth coomb through the LOTR and scientific research has uncovered some startling evidence to back up their claim’s voracity.

• Some Hobbit-like homes have been discovered in New Zealand, with round, green doors and a gold knocker in the centre which look remarkably similar to those described by Tolkien.


• Although the maps presented in LOTR are not recognisable as anywhere on today’s earth, the team believe this is a result of continental drift, erosion and a rise in sea levels.


• Evidence of walking trees – Ents – has been uncovered in Amazonia. The team claim that on returning to a patch of the fabled rainforest three years after initial studies, giant trees had simply vanished. "The only explanation we have, is that they have simply walked off," said Jackson.


• Trolls, turned into stone, have been found on Easter Island.

Evidence of Ents ?"The only explanation we
have, is that they have simply

walked off," said Jackson.

But perhaps most astonishingly, the team has traced mitochondrial DNA markers from well known contemporary magicians like Paul Daniels and David Copperfield back to evidence uncovered at archaeological digs. Hair strands from bodies found in early tribal settlements in Southern Spain indicate familial relationships.

"We believe that we may have even found the body of either Gandalf or Radagast," said Jackson.

Ironically, Jackson does not believe that undermining the Bible - and its replacement by the LOTR as the seminal Holy Scripture, will sound the death knell for the traditional Christian Faith. It may even boost church attendence.

"We are hoping that the commercial success of my trilogy of films will give a fillip to bums on pews at Sunday service,” said Jackson. "And already we have LOTR action figures, just waiting to be rolled out for sale in churches and at Sunday Schools."

"Essentially, many of the principles of Christianity sit well with the original central messages in Tolkien’s text. Loyality, love, selflessness and the triumph of good over evil are all principles which Christianity took from the original Bible."

"All these themes are strongly represented in The LOTR. It will just mean that the Sunday sermons from the pulpit will feature Frodo and Sam battling through Mordor, rather than Jesus feeding bread to a load of hungry people by a lake, thankfully."

"'The Lord of the Rings' is just like the Bible, only true," concluded Jackson.